did you ever?

if you would have looked back at least ones, i would have come to you , i'm letting go now but if i where to wish one thing is to relive the happiest of pass days even if it was a moment in illusion , you hate me so much and make it so clear , why? i did a lot of wrongs but you also did others and yet i sat down waiting for you at the end all these years thinking that maybe you love me a little , a fragment of how you immensely did ones or so i though , but i was foolish to believe like me you loved ones and for ever , till the end of times but you never did , i hurt you but i begged for forgiveness late yes very late but after some days i said lets make it work and you said no because you could not take someone back another time since i said that i don't forgive more then ones but i did and you where the one saying no , was i not clear in saying i loved you back then , afterward you dated someone in less then a month and then another one to forget me ? no i think not i was an excuse for you to hate and i was ashamed , scared but wanting you back , why could you not do the same ?  yes love is not something forced but why act like you where so in-love when you never where not even a bit, if i'm wrong say it you tell me not to make assumptions but you never say anything not ever and to be honest i don't think you will ever ...and to be even more honest i could care less...

like the wise man

feeling bad is not enough, being hated is not enough, layers keep piling up, nothing is left to give, the sadness of today was once the happiness of what was yesterday, how wrong can we be at times and think we are so right, how sad can everything be when people don't want you around, hatred is a simple thing but for those who are truly valiant forgiveness, the crown of a noble warrior , the one who fought  against life and still gives care even when hurt, hate is so easy, to blame, to detest or ignore, the jobs made for cowards, those who forgive and gain and learn those acquire the true meaning of life, for to have your hearth dark as night only defeats oneself, you will have nothing but auto-destruction but if you learn after tears and extent your love to others that hardly have any to change a wrong with a right, a smile for a change maybe just maybe you made a difference in someones day, you have been giving pure love with nothing in return, you are living and letting go.

almost five years now

after so long I finally gave up ,it was about time don't you think?

deep down inside their was an existing hope very deep down that one day you would love me back , actually love me again but the more close we were the most I felt you distant, knowing that when you love again it will hurt but I will be a good sport and wish only but the best for you and make myself disappear, don't think its because I'm angry, its because it hurts and I don't want to get the chance to do the same thing I did last time with you, maybe she was the one for you and I acted like a child when it was late for reclamation's, thanks for all for giving me that chance to love and be loved, I'm going to put away all the books, poems, pictures and memories and try to make every day thru ....hey ! come on at least I feel good that I tried right ?even if it didn't work, I stopped being a coward and went for it all though it was late but I did it ^__^

cuando hicistes poemas de amores a otra...

hace un tiempo atras recuerdo que hiciste un poema , me alegre no por que pensara que fuera para mi seamos realistas ....sino por que no sabia ese lado tuyo, siempre te vi como un romantico enpedernido pero jamas supe que fueses poeta , en  fin ese dia me di cuenta que creo que no me llegaste a amar bueno mejor dicho si lo hiciste pero no tuve relevancia en tu vida,probablemente fue de lo malo que se aprende y no se debe repetir en la vida , hablabas de dulcinea como me llamabas ami, que lucharias por su amor y pense ahora otra lleva ese titulo no yo, me senti pesima pero no me sorprendi no ser vital en la vida de alguien es algo comun si me pongo a pensar todos queremos y amamos pero que pasa cuando fallecemos ? nuestros seres amados nos aman claro pero después del pasar del tiempo solo somos recuerdos de un sentimiento , somos extrañado por meses aveces incluso años , en momentos, situaciones o dias especificos pero con el tiempo olvidados no completamente ...creo que eso pasó con nuestro amor yo aun vivo en duelo y tu lo asumimos con naturalidad como debe ser , yo no acepto la pérdida en estos 4 años pienso en ti todos los dias como si aun estuvieras aqui , negada a que no estas ni estaras , entiendo que cambiamos pero el sentimiento es tan fuerte que se vuelve algo concreto, no quiero sonar cursi si algo detesto es mostrar que siento , aun recuerdo el dia que hablamos de don quijote tenía que leer su libro por algo de la universidad y me preguntas de que era el trabajo ,te fui explicando de que era y  de la plática a surgió o su amor por dulcinea , el amandola locamente mientras ella siendo su mundo , peleando como un caballero todo por ella y me dijiste asi te amo yo, como él a ella , desde ese dia me llamabas así y siempre que pienso en poesía pienso en Don Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra por lo tanto me lleva  ti y pensar que otra sera tu dulcinea me hace pensar que soy reemplazada con facilidad por eso soy irrelevante  en tu vida , es tan facil decir te amo hoy dia por que para mi nunca lo a sido ? pensar que todo este tiempo pensé que signifique algo cuando nunca fue asi , fui solo una mala experiencia nada mas probablemente lo peor que te halla pasado , no te culpa la verdad es que no me molesta ser repudiada .... no espero que todos amen como yo amo todos somos diferente , ni juzgo a quien olvida eso es normal solo sentí que morir un poco más cuando lo lei y más sabiendo que no era para mi .....

being a looser...

I can't trust my self anymore, when you disappear everything becomes normal but then if it takes you days I miss you, looking for you is my first though but then I resist my self because I don't want to keep bothering you or making you pity me, when you talk to me or look for me I'm afraid of misunderstanding everything , I'm constantly in fear or myself ....

scared

you don't know how scared I am to talk a little to much and make you feel uncomfortable, how terrified I am to talk to little and act rude and distant, how frighting I am to use the wrong word when we talk, to talk in general, to show, to feel, I  am very afraid of loving you knowing you don't love me back ...

so much bottled inside , so little to give from the outside ....

lately I have been thinking of the past , I'm not the kind to give much though to things , I usually go for the emotionless being feel but I guess this all comes with age , thinking of mistakes ,the should haves , regrets, things that we have no control over, I mean come on is not like I can change things now...right?
I have spent nights sitting in front of my window admiring the moon wondering if others feel the same thing, I guess I look at it since its lonesome ...like me , wondering if it also feel alone even if its surrounded by stars , planets, the sun and even other moon  and yet alone... I wonder if others do the exact thing , thinking the same thing about the moon or the sun...I wasted my time thinking but not speaking , I'm the one to remember the smallest of details but act like I'm unaware of most things, I respect everyone's opinion even if I don't think the same way ,seeing the two sides of a coin, not the positive person on the planet... of course when it comes to myself but with others gives great support , preferring to suffer in silence , being killed by time and spending my present thinking of what time has done to me ... living in the past not wanting a future , I mean sure I have dreams , goals and have gotten most done but in reality when it comes to emotions I haven't progress at all ....not every single one just the love emotions.... I feel small in life , want to make changes but will I reach out and make real transformations ? I always smile, I'm not afraid to make a fool of myself , love horror movies but I'm terrified of the silliest of things ,I prefer crafted things it makes me feel like people that make them don't mind wasting their time on me , giving me part of their life ,I'm sorry if the subject has change so much but mostly when writing here I don't want to make it sound nice , correct , smart , dumb , entertaining or what ever you can come up with , this is me , a human with thoughts that never expresses , with a blog as a diary with no pen on my hand ...

sorry

feels so close but so hard to reach , your so near only one city apart but so many miles and miles separate me from getting to you in a physical and abstract way , your love my best memory but also the saddest one, afraid to mentioning anything closely related to you , what you like , what you hate , what we shared ,I only write it all here since i'm not good with words,with friends i pretend as if nothing happens ,only when i am alone I allow myself to think of you , so if I cry no one will ask .no one will know how deep my sorrow is , in those moments I imagen myself with you but just briefly in a matter of seconds to be exact, since i know that it would make me more infatuated with you , so i make myself create this redefinition of us that very last day , at times i go for the cloudy day , after i received that call from you that very last day that we talk. in reality i tried my very best to call back and said i was sorry and tell you not to break up after i left you for the stupidest thing , looking back I now know how ignorant and foolish i was, I was going to keep hurting you again and again its in my nature to screw every good thing up , then i waiting so long , very very long and your feeling for me had gotten cold , frozen in time , before that i tried ones to ask you for forgiveness but you said no , i understood since i said half sorries , those kind of im sorry but i still think i was right sorries....  you sounded angry and i myself still was... not the best combination , I said things I shouldn't have said , things i really did not mean , me always going to the past like now like always , comparing you to people you where no were near to , I punished you for others mistakes so the ego got in the way , the worst and most vicious thing to get in the way of anything , you later dated someone else and when I felt you lost I became desperate and my ego plus furry made and alliance as if things weren't bad enough already....so back to my delusional thoughts...

at times I recreate us in that place we met , where sweet blended with bitter , I imagen myself taking the bus at 8 am since my house is far from that very spot , arriving at 9 or 10 depending on the traffic , thinking on my way there of you like always , walking to the plaza , seeing you from afar , always smiling , with that inviting charm of your , sweet ,respectful ,you would be sitting waiting for me , wanting to hold my hand you always though that was a bigger intimacy than other things , how I miss that innocence that spark in your eyes when you looked at me as if I were the only person alive like the first time with you it always felt like the first day we met , every time you saw me first you would met me half way walking or go all the way , that feeling you gave me of being wanted that you couldn't wait for me to get to you , you would come to me and reach me to hug me softly , intensely,  I remember your smell , you never liked cologne so I got the chance to actually smell your natural essence , your aroma was so pure , like a piece of mother nature, like you were some mythical creature , like flowers , like trees , like the wind in a clover field , you would always say I loved you or i'm sorry i'm late , I always got angry that you were late so every time i imagen stuff like this your there before me ... but even if you always were you always did the same exact things I created in my mind , I base it on facts not fiction , so we would sit and you always wanted to sit near me , you were the kind of person to be proud of me , so determined to listen , to support every thing I said , your words where always kind , your the kind of person to think before talking , you never asked for kisses if so you would just pout and make a sad face , you always tried your hardest to make me laugh , well not much your naturally funny , when I argued about the silliest things you would take fault even if I was the one mistaken maybe that's why you got tired ....we could have talked for hours about anything , about nothing , we didn't have to fake who we where with each other , you where my friend , my lover , my every single thing and though , you wanted to marry and have kids , I always said no that I disliked kids and we could live together but in reality I was afraid to love you to be open about it , to say it so much , fear is other pain on the ass , i wanted you so bad but was even more afraid of loosing you and showing you that fear because that would have shown my hard like exterior was fake and I would be vulnerable , on that plaza well  I used to go there often ...yes even after all these years , is like I visited you , for a second I imagen you right there , I sit in the same spot , walk the same exact steps we took , I cry by myself there at times , sometimes I feel happy, I recreate that very same day or lay and daydream about you , don't worry I do this from time to time no one know this so this would be my only place to share it , since talking about you is a taboo , I have always been like this a women of few words when it comes to actual deep emotions , I mostly always smile and act and talk about you as if nothing happened because the few times I did no one understood , people would say hey get over it and to be honest I have to but somehow i still can't because I had the feeling you where the love of my life , when I imagen one last day I wish we would break it off and walk are separate ways, I know you would cry but I would keep walking farther and farther away because I know for a fact I would keep hurting you over and over and over until that spark and charm became faded and you became bitter , maybe I was more afraid of making you into me with time I think I actually did , the one thing I feared the most , hurting you and I ended up doing anyways , being toxic , being cold , being afraid , with a huge ego , afraid of my hatred to rub on you , its funny how I ended doing the exact same thing I feared the most , the exact same thing others did to me I ended up doing to you , as you cried I imagen myself looking forward but not really looking at anything , things becoming a blur the cloudy sky becoming grayer and as you hear thunder you would look at me walking away as you always did , you always waited for me to leave and smile and watch me but I would  not look back because if I did I would run back to you and said I loved you , wanted you to be my husband, my babies father , my life partner ,wiped your tears away and kissed you sweetly and hug you so hard as sending the message of please don't leave me, stay , I would have said was wrong you where right , lets not do this again and ever , but in reality in that imaginary moment I preferred to be a coward the bad one and not look back , as my tears would fall down the rain would come down and camouflaged them , still not looking back or running away I would keep walking because I knew that if I looked back you would still be there waiting for me to come back ,I prefer to imagen all this in a sad way because I never deserved you or your pure love , you where better of not knowing me at all but to be honest I feel good that I met you but is tragic you met me ,I ruined you , thanks to you I truly knew what love was like ,what hurts me the most is that I never showed you how much I deeply loved you not with words but with actions , not telling you I wanted to be with you for ever and to forget you I imagen sad things like this so its easier to forget you but it all never works ....I resent myself for imagining are life together because it will never be and i'm not allowed to even think of you in that matter , you deserve better and I know you will find a more deserving lover , I will have these memories the ones i'm allowed to think the ones that actually happened .....

I'm so sorry I still love you ....please be happy 

hidden words

sometimes situations become clear but we don't want to realize the truth that lay under the smallest of word, actions or the most deep of silence and no this is not me assuming thing or wanted to create an alter truth that fit the criteria of what i believe is real, every time we speak to each other you point out the term friends subtle but with that hint of its never going to happen again feeling , you recall old days as talking to a friend , so should I but foolishly enough my feeling haven't change after so long , I waiting for ever, almost like the branches of a tree, trying to reach the sun but never ever gets even remotely close it ....
I love you and i hate myself for feeling this not because of me disliking you or not being thankful for my good and bad recollection of memories, its the fact that i can't get over you , somehow you memory has falling so deep in my brain , feels like I have put everything I got out on the table but your fed and whats on the menu is not what you're craving on, it probably never was, me well never been a first choice to begin with, note this is not self pity its base on fact,  let just say women are like food if its not appealing to the eye and ain't wanted to be consume ...how this has changed of subject so much let just say I have mixed emotions right now...