at times I recreate us in that place we met , where sweet blended with bitter , I imagen myself taking the bus at 8 am since my house is far from that very spot , arriving at 9 or 10 depending on the traffic , thinking on my way there of you like always , walking to the plaza , seeing you from afar , always smiling , with that inviting charm of your , sweet ,respectful ,you would be sitting waiting for me , wanting to hold my hand you always though that was a bigger intimacy than other things , how I miss that innocence that spark in your eyes when you looked at me as if I were the only person alive like the first time with you it always felt like the first day we met , every time you saw me first you would met me half way walking or go all the way , that feeling you gave me of being wanted that you couldn't wait for me to get to you , you would come to me and reach me to hug me softly , intensely, I remember your smell , you never liked cologne so I got the chance to actually smell your natural essence , your aroma was so pure , like a piece of mother nature, like you were some mythical creature , like flowers , like trees , like the wind in a clover field , you would always say I loved you or i'm sorry i'm late , I always got angry that you were late so every time i imagen stuff like this your there before me ... but even if you always were you always did the same exact things I created in my mind , I base it on facts not fiction , so we would sit and you always wanted to sit near me , you were the kind of person to be proud of me , so determined to listen , to support every thing I said , your words where always kind , your the kind of person to think before talking , you never asked for kisses if so you would just pout and make a sad face , you always tried your hardest to make me laugh , well not much your naturally funny , when I argued about the silliest things you would take fault even if I was the one mistaken maybe that's why you got tired ....we could have talked for hours about anything , about nothing , we didn't have to fake who we where with each other , you where my friend , my lover , my every single thing and though , you wanted to marry and have kids , I always said no that I disliked kids and we could live together but in reality I was afraid to love you to be open about it , to say it so much , fear is other pain on the ass , i wanted you so bad but was even more afraid of loosing you and showing you that fear because that would have shown my hard like exterior was fake and I would be vulnerable , on that plaza well I used to go there often ...yes even after all these years , is like I visited you , for a second I imagen you right there , I sit in the same spot , walk the same exact steps we took , I cry by myself there at times , sometimes I feel happy, I recreate that very same day or lay and daydream about you , don't worry I do this from time to time no one know this so this would be my only place to share it , since talking about you is a taboo , I have always been like this a women of few words when it comes to actual deep emotions , I mostly always smile and act and talk about you as if nothing happened because the few times I did no one understood , people would say hey get over it and to be honest I have to but somehow i still can't because I had the feeling you where the love of my life , when I imagen one last day I wish we would break it off and walk are separate ways, I know you would cry but I would keep walking farther and farther away because I know for a fact I would keep hurting you over and over and over until that spark and charm became faded and you became bitter , maybe I was more afraid of making you into me with time I think I actually did , the one thing I feared the most , hurting you and I ended up doing anyways , being toxic , being cold , being afraid , with a huge ego , afraid of my hatred to rub on you , its funny how I ended doing the exact same thing I feared the most , the exact same thing others did to me I ended up doing to you , as you cried I imagen myself looking forward but not really looking at anything , things becoming a blur the cloudy sky becoming grayer and as you hear thunder you would look at me walking away as you always did , you always waited for me to leave and smile and watch me but I would not look back because if I did I would run back to you and said I loved you , wanted you to be my husband, my babies father , my life partner ,wiped your tears away and kissed you sweetly and hug you so hard as sending the message of please don't leave me, stay , I would have said was wrong you where right , lets not do this again and ever , but in reality in that imaginary moment I preferred to be a coward the bad one and not look back , as my tears would fall down the rain would come down and camouflaged them , still not looking back or running away I would keep walking because I knew that if I looked back you would still be there waiting for me to come back ,I prefer to imagen all this in a sad way because I never deserved you or your pure love , you where better of not knowing me at all but to be honest I feel good that I met you but is tragic you met me ,I ruined you , thanks to you I truly knew what love was like ,what hurts me the most is that I never showed you how much I deeply loved you not with words but with actions , not telling you I wanted to be with you for ever and to forget you I imagen sad things like this so its easier to forget you but it all never works ....I resent myself for imagining are life together because it will never be and i'm not allowed to even think of you in that matter , you deserve better and I know you will find a more deserving lover , I will have these memories the ones i'm allowed to think the ones that actually happened .....
I'm so sorry I still love you ....please be happy
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